A few years ago. I had a dream.
In this dream, I happened upon faces I had not seen in
sometime. My brother, his wife and their daughter, my niece.
In the dream, she was a small, beautiful young girl, no more
than five or six. In reality, she’s half that age but none the less still
beautiful. Although if I am truthful, I would not know that really. It has been
a number of years since I have laid eyes upon her.
At the core of that, it is perhaps my fault. My choice to
remove myself from the equation for them. To sever the binds that tied us all
in this mess of tainted string and poisonous barbs.
I could sit here and ponder the reasoning behind my decision,
but I fear I would never truly be happy with an answer, or satisfied with a lie
to sate myself. Besides, I am not here for reality. I bear news of a dream.
In the dream, the little girl did not know me, as to be
expected. At first I offered little in words having not spoken to any of
present company for many years but my niece was curious and prodded more.
“He’s
your uncle. Your father’s brother.” My sister-in-law spoke.
Her eyes were wide with fascination. Truly, if I were a
weaker man, those eyes
would have melted my soul. She pointed and prodded, she
poked and asked questions. A hidden relative was joyous and exhilarating news,
and she was a young and inquisitive child. The two went hand in hand together.
“Where
have you been?” She asked me. And for the first time, I truly regarded
her. I knelt to her eye level. Those
beautiful dark eyes.
“What
do you do?” She spoke. And it took little time for my answer. In fact, it came
so quickly I worried how long the words had been sitting upon my lips.
“I
fight monsters.” I told her.
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| Picture by my wonderful friend Jonathon Bone |
Her face went still, expressionless and confused, but still
curious.
“Yeah.
It’s true. I fight monsters. Mommy and Daddy would tell you they don’t exist.
They would tuck you in bed at night and check underneath it, rummage through
your closet, quelling your scariest nightmare. But monsters are real
sweetheart.”
The small girl begins to get upset, but before tears flow
and parents intervene; I interject.
“But
you don’t have to worry. I may have said monsters are real, but they will never
harm you. In fact, you will never see one throughout your entire life if I can
help it.”
“I
won’t?” She whimpered, stopping herself from the verge of tears.
“No.
Because you’re special. Your father used to fight monsters too. All of our family
did. But Daddy wanted the peaceful life he deserved and couldn’t bear to raise
his sword anymore. He met your Mummy and everything was…wonderful. Then they
got married and there was singing and dancing. And then they had you and every
day smelled of fresh roses and springtime rain. It was the life we Hunters
aspire for.”
“But as
Daddy left, your grandmother and I had to do extra work. We had to cover a lot
more houses, sooth more children and check every dark corner. We do what we
must because we have no choice. We have little time for storybooks or singing.
We have no time for family or friends. We stand as vigils for every sob story
ever muttered. It was our oath, our duty of care.”
I explained in order to protect her and her parents, we had
to hide away.
We couldn’t even watch from the side lines, the constant
threat of danger ever looming.
I told her to never be afraid of monsters. Because whenever
she had a bad dream of monsters and beasts. I was there, with sword in hand to
remove it.
In the dream, I told a lie to hide a painful truth. In the
waking world, the lie exists but in a different and complicated way.
It’s a stupid lie, but it is my lie and I’ll believe in it
regardless.
Today marked my niece’s birthday. I do not know how old she
is. I forced myself not to care because it was easier this way. Removing
yourself from an equation is an act of sacrifice, something that should only be
considered as a final thought.
For me it was easy. Sacrifice runs through my veins. But
every day that blood boils within me. And I have no way to subdue it.
Today on my niece’s birthday, I walked over seven miles in
pouring rain and utter, unspeakable despair and agony to deliver a present. I
expected no answer at the door, my presence having not been announced. So I was
forced to abandon the gift somewhere safe so they could locate it upon their
return.
And so I began my excruciating journey back the way I came
with no reward for reaping. No hugs or joyous laughter, no knowledge of kindred
bonding. Just the choices we’ve all made and the path we walk.
This is the way of things, for a Knight does not falter.
I mean.
I fight monsters, after all.
